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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.