Evening Hosts Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Visa Scheme

Television's prominent hosts devoted the evening criticizing ex-President Donald Trump's recently launched visa initiative, called the "Trump card," characterizing it as a clear pay-for-access system for the affluent.

Colbert's Sarcastic Spin

Starting his program, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic Christmas song about the president. "He is making a list, checking it twice, before handing that list to the officials at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... destroys all he handles."

Colbert's target was the new program that allows international nationals to acquire U.S. residency for a sum of a million dollars, with a "platinum" option for five million. An official website pledges approval "in record time."

"A brief thought here to affluent applicants: before you fork over the cash, what about Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He explained that the program is also designed to "extract cash" from firms looking to hire foreign workers, involving large payments. "That is a lot of fees, however if you enroll, you also get free accommodation at a property of your choice – if it's the a specific Marriott," he said.

"The best screening the government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to verify these people absolutely are eligible to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Critique

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"This is a card that will let wealthy foreigners to live here," he explained. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your selection."

"Maybe it's time to change that poem on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your poor masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel lampooned the simplicity of the application, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Exactly, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Grocery Struggles

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's slipping poll numbers during financial worries. "People gave Donald Trump a another term since they were mad about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a effort to tackle prices, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a array of grocery items, where he reacted oddly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a ages."

"He's so extremely weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by mocking right-leaning media arguments of Trump's economic record. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy like what FIFA did," he remarked.