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Her Journey: Understanding A Non-Sexual Nature

Sarah, 37: “I’ve not once loved sex. Growing up, I felt defective because society put it on a pedestal.”

The only topic that Cameron and I have ever clashed over is intimacy in our relationship. After meeting almost a decade back, sex was definitely something he desired more frequently than me. After about a few months of being together, we decided to pursue an open relationship so that he could pursue people who desire more intimacy than I am.

There were moments of insecurity at first, but our relationship was deepened thanks to our strong communication, and I eventually felt very confident in our love. This has been a positive change for both of us, because I have never craved sex. Growing up, I believed out of place as others emphasized its importance, but I couldn’t understood the hype about it.

After discovering a book about asexuality on social media recently, it was like looking in a mirror. I was shocked, because back then I considered myself a someone with desire – I enjoy self-pleasure, and I’d had a fair amount of sex in my 20s. But I believe I engaged in a lot of that sex since I experienced shame – a remnant of growing up in a culture that implies you have to satisfy your partner.

The resource helped me understand was that being asexual is a wide range. As an instance, I don’t have libido, including towards individuals who I admire visually. I admire how they look, but I do not wish to engage sexually with them. But I appreciate having orgasms. In my view, it’s fun and it provides relief – a method to clear out everything on my mind upstairs.

It was extremely empowering to tell Cameron that asexuality describes me. He supports this. We sometimes engage in intimacy, because I sense intense intimacy as well as emotional unity during those moments, and I am making the conscious decision when I want to bond with him in that way. It isn’t that I have a physical urge, but I have alternative purposes to be intimate, such as wanting to be close. I notice his satisfaction, and that makes me happy. In the same way that an individual who is not asexual can decide to refrain from sex, I can opt to be physical for alternative motivations than sexual excitement.

His Perspective: Love Beyond Sex

Cameron, 36: “Just because sex isn’t the focus is not a sign that affection isn’t.”

Sex used to be extremely significant to me. It was the source from which I derived much of my confidence. I was ill and in hospital a lot during my teens, so sex evolved into an activity that I thought offered mastery over my body. It then shift significantly when I met Sarah, since sex wasn’t the top priority for us.

In this relationship, I started to recognize additional merit in different aspects of who I am, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to have sex with anyone else currently. If I ever feel the urge for intimacy, there exist different approaches I can handle it. Solo sex is a possibility, but it can also be taking a hike, thinking about what’s on my mind or watercolour painting.

Upon her discovery of her identity, I began to realise that connection is focused on bonding. It can happen during sex, but also through different forms that are equally worthy and fulfilling. I once had a particular notion of the meaning of asexuality – if you didn’t have sex, you didn’t ever feel arousal. But it’s a spectrum, and it takes time to figure out where you stand along it.

We have been a couple for several years, and just because intimacy isn’t central does not imply that love is absent. Setting aside dedicated moments for romance is very important for both of us. Occasionally we buy these adult Lego sets and assemble them a little bit daily, which is very connecting. Alternatively we plan a special night and head out for a mocktail and dinner. We snuggle and discuss futures down the road, which is a form of care. I get a lot of pleasure from cooking for other people, and it makes me really happy like an afterglow of sex.

Her identity has enlarged the understanding of what our relationship means. It’s like constraining the tools at your disposal to work with – it forces you to find new ways with what you have. It challenges you to consider creatively. But it never reduced the love that I experience for my partner whatsoever.